I can tuck mytits in my pants
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
