I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
