dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
