i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
