Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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