um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
