I wanna bring you to show and tell
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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