pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
