sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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