quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
