tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
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ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There are leaves in my underwear?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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