got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
