Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
