i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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