I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
