You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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