are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
