I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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