The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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