if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
