Screwed.edu
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Boobs are out for the taking
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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