So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
