it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
