Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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