I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
