I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
