You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
