Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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