this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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