i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
