It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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