I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
