Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
