Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
