Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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