I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
