mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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