Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
