All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
