Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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