I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He kissed a someone with a penis
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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