you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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