I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
