i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
