It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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