I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
