He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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