If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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