I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
