Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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