Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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