I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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