Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he quoted the bible to break up with me
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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