girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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