Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
