I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
