I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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