you traded sex for a burrito?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I want is dick and wine.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
