I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
